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I now play the role of translator. Here is something I recently saw on the Internet upon following a forward. My translations are brutal, but in my defence: the original statements sounded even more brutal to my sensibilities.

This is a list of 10 things a man can do to keep his wife happy. Translation follows statement.

1.

Statement: Never listen to your wife when she says not to make a fuss on her birthday. She’s lying.
Translation: Having allowed a convention and its associated phrase, both static and stripped of meaning, to take on new and artificial meaning, do not listen to words that falsely deny the falsity; instead, falsely insist that the falsity has truth. This, to actual good effect and well-being.

2.

Statement: Don’t purchase home appliances as gifts. Instead, buy her something beautiful.
Translation: Make Beauty a noun, package it, procure it without effort, and dispense it as you would the fruit of your labour.

3.

Statement: Compliment her in front of her friends.
Translation: Utter words towards their results, that is, degrade the word to a noun of commodity.

4.

Statement: Homework isn’t women’s work. Just do it. Don’t wait to be asked.
Translation: Even if you recognise that a deep-rooted problem lies in the fact of roles having become unclear: obliterate that recognition, and await a solution from no-one-knows-where for problems that no-one-knows-what.

5.

Statement: Go out of your way to do one nice thing for your wife each day.
Translation: This age is such that we must be reminded that it is good to do good.

6.

Statement: Actions speak louder than words, but women _love_ words. If you aren’t good at this, buy mushy cards for no reason…
Translation: When the opposite of a truth has good effect, accept the truth and the falsehood equally; that is, allow your God-given power of judgment to relax, vanish, sink.

7.

Statement: You are not twins! Maintain your own interests and activities so that you can miss each other, and have new things to talk about.
Translation: Create the cause so that the effect may happen.
In other words: Perform an action with entirely predictable results; behave like a non-living object.
Or, in other words: Choose repetition over expansion.
Or, in other words: Be static; inert.
Or, in yet other words: Go where all men have gone before.
Also: Discover that this is one path to happiness.
And also: Do this for this reason even if fundamental truth commands the same action; that is, the action apart, let the motivation be static as well.

8.

Statement: Each of you needs your own space for your own junk. Get a larger place, if necessary, but don’t fight over things.
Translation: In the year 2010, we must be told: a child does thus. A man does thus. A woman does thus. Which are you? Select one of the above. Do accordingly. Mappings of types to actions are available.

9.

Statement: Maintain a sense of humour.
Translation: Submit the higher to the lower.

10.

Statement: Every once in awhile, let her be in charge of the remote.
Translation: In the year 2010, we must be told: a child does thus. A man does thus. Sometimes, do as a child, so the woman might feel for a while like a man.
Interesting times we live in for sure. The most colourful moments are when child-men show us how ordinary child-women tell superordinary child-men how to be children, and recommend that we all be child-men-women so that a child-woman may not feel like a child with a child-man.